On Bragging, its Social Acceptability, and Asperger's

 I've been thinking about this subject today after reading a Huffpost article covering a study of bragging that was just published in Psychological Science.

 The study compares the actual reaction of the listener to the reaction the speaker expects the listener to have, and calls the difference the  "empathy gap." It then goes on to gauge listener's reactions to direct brags verses "humble" brags, where the brag is inserted "offhandedly" into a relatable statement. The Huffpost article offered examples:

Humble brag from Taylor Swift: "That moment when your cat casually walks up, then abruptly ATTACKS your Oscar de la Renta gown during your fitting for Met Ball."

Direct brag, from Kate Bratskeir: "I just won a gold medal!

 The study itself equates the word with self-promotion, and claims the motivation to be "because they want others to hold favorable images of them." The so-called humble brag example does seem to fit that description, as Swift is using the cat to disguise an unabashed reference to her fame, fortune, and connections. Clearly she is concerned enough about public opinion that she won't say it as it is. If it had truly been about the cat, she needn't mention the designer or event.


But consider the second example... she just won a gold medal. She's happy. Who wouldn't be? She wants to celebrate it. Hell yeah! But no matter how she broaches the subject, it's slapped with a big, negative label: Bragging. It's her Twitter account, and the whole point of that networking site is to tweet about what's happening to you. What the fuck does society expect you to do, just pretend it didn't happen?

Funny, it seems to me that it would be more shallow to not celebrate your achievement out of fear that other people will think you're a braggart.

Asperger's could practically be described as a diagnosed empathy gap, and it's very common for Aspies to be called braggarts or narcissistic, but in our case the motivation has less to do with wanting to impress people and is more about absentmindedly blabbing about our favorite things. We do this because rehashing the information in a new way helps the autistic mind to comprehend it more deeply, make connections previously missed, and solve problems. Sorry, we're not really socially sophisticated enough to consider the reaction of the listener AT ALL. This was one of the things that hit me like lightning during that mushroom trip I talk about, and unless other Aspies have that lightning bolt revelation themselves, they cannot be taught.

Given that this empathy gap does exist, and the tendency of children is to speak freely of their accomplishments, I'm skeptical of society's unwritten rule that it's unacceptable to "brag." In a time when we are so influenced by meditation and mindfulness and taking responsibility for one's own emotions, this whole business of judging people negatively for being proud of something seems passive aggressive, not to mention counter to everything I learned from Sesame Street.

Serious question: why can't we be happy for the "braggarts" and celebrate ourselves as well? Why, really, is it so socially unacceptable to speak highly of oneself? I've heard told it makes a person seem narcissistic, but my experience, when a person does say something, they need the validation.

Why are people annoyed by bragging? Is it jealousy? Or maybe a fear of breaking the rule onself, and therefore anger toward those who do? Something I'm missing altogether? And why is it more acceptable to talk behind people's back than to talk about something that went right in your life?

I think I finally understand why NTs like small talk so much...

Cue the Dresden Doll's song "Good Day"

Aspies and their Frenemies

I overheard one of the student workers talking about a "kid who everyone hates," and it kind of set me off today. Thank Goddess it was at the end of my shift. When I asked why everyone hates this kid, she gave me a list of Asperger's symptoms: dominates conversations, comes across as narcissistic, appears to have no empathy, rude...

So I told her it really sucks to be the kid everyone hates, because I've been there, and this person sounds just like me when I was a kid. She told me, as if to soften the blow, "Well, I always try to be nice when I'm around her."





"And I bet she thinks you're her friend?"

"Yeah, she does."

"That's even worse, when you find out all the people you think are your friends really hate you. Don't do that to her. Because I'm sure she doesn't really want to be all those things you said about her."

This is the movie-script summary of that account; obviously there was a lot more Aspie quirk involved on my part, being a particularly emotional subject.

 The symptoms I mentioned above are, perhaps, the most irritating traits we have to Neurotypicals. And especially in those of us who are higher functioning, they don't seem like symptoms, but highly undesireable personality flaws.

Growing up, various well-meaning but ignorant family members attempted to give me advice on how to make friends, but their messages couldn't get through  because it's like we speak a different language. Narcissistic/ arrogant? But how can I possibly be narcissistic when I have such a low self-esteem? Aspies are 10 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than NTs. Unemphatic? Oh my God, didn't I just tell you that story about that tragedy that gives me the insight into your pain? Dominating conversations/ interrupting/ talking about stuff no one else cares about/ too loud/ rude? I'm interacting the only way I know how. I now know that I lack the mirror neurons to pick up on those social graces, and naturally tend to interact with the conversational skills of a young child- they don't understand about taking turns, when they get excited they want to tell you all about it, and manners are likely to be forgotten.

 It's actually a bit ironic how NTs are so annoyed by our conversational habbits. When you get a group of Aspies on the same wavelength, we speak naturally, bluntly, interruptingly, and go off on wild tangents, returning to topic, then going off again and again. But the depth, complexity, detail and passion involved is unparalleled in NT chatting. We have no idea why you people engage in small talk... it serves NO purpose!

 The insight I have on this topic is unusual- one of the hallmarks of Asperger's is our obliviousness to both social cues and our own lack of adherence to them. I have to give credit to psychedelic mushrooms. That experience changed my life. I saw it all for the first time- how everything I did was misinterpreted. It wasn't a problem with my personality, rather I realized the tactics I was using were not only ineffective, but counterproductive in the goal of making friends.


 I also learned how to listen. And it was a shock to discover that I didn't know how before. But listening requires effort and patience and curiosity, which had never occurred to me.

 Psilocybin mushrooms are, of course, illegal, but there has been a push recently to study their effects, particularly on depression. I'd love to see a study done on Aspies. There is simply no medication to help our condition, and without an expansion of consciousness we are doomed to repeat our mistakes forevermore.

Six months after my "trip," someone in my Vegas community said to me, "I don't know what happened, but you've become much more pleasant to be around." Kind of a jab within a compliment, but still the best news I'd ever heard.

I hope I made a difference for this person the student worker was talking about. It's horrible to be in that position, especially when you don't know why.

 Even with the knowledge I have, interaction is still difficult. In fact, it's downright exhausting constantly trying to censor myself at work. I still don't really have friends, but at least I'm not quite so hated.

Asperger's, Bullies, and Cakes

Lately I've been having a difficult time at work, which is the dining hall of a college where I hold the title of Lead Baker. It is a challenging job anyway, where my duties include making fresh muffins and breakfast pastries every morning starting at 5am, all the desserts for lunch and dinner (usually 2-3 choices per meal, serving anywhere between 30 and 500 depending on the popularity of the item), making pizza dough from scratch daily with a recipe calling for an entire 50 lb bag of mondako flour, and any catering that comes up, like if the staff meeting wants cookies or the college hosts an open house and they need 3,000 lemon bars, it all comes to me. But that's not exactly where I'm having trouble these days.

My trouble lies where it always has as an Aspergian- in social dynamics. Since childhood I have been targeted by bullying cliques, like I have a psychic "kick me" sign hanging over my head. Usually it's subtle: rude things spoken behind my back then laughed about later in plain sight, then sabotaging my belongings.

Confrontations are rare with female bullies, but I've had them. I still have no idea what to do during a confrontation- I always end up in tears. Except the last one, where I punched the girl in the nose. Actually, I still cried, because I felt bad and knew it was inappropriate. I was suspended from school for three days, so everyone knew. No one bothered me after that. It actually bothers me that the only effective tactic I've found is an act of violence- it's against everything I believe in, but none of my peaceful attempts have done a bit of good.

And it's been happening again. No confrontations, thank goodness, just people pretending to be friendly just to gossip behind my back. (Dang, ladies, if you want to know my scandals, just read my blog! The real me is way more interesting than some suppositions based on a very watered down and censored version of my personality.) And I suspect one woman who worked in the dishroom had been hiding my kitchen tools, but she quit immediately when I told the Chef something was up. At least she's out of my hair and the others have been shifted into low gear.

 This has been going on for about a year and a half, but the way girls play it, you don't even know it's happening at first. I was as friendly as possible, and I thought I could do a better job socializing than I did as a student. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome (a diagnosis now absorbed into the Autism Spectrum), I tend to be quirky, and I don't receive the more subtle communication that neurotypicals take for granted. MRIs show that people on the Autism Spectrum tend to lack mirror neurons, which identify with the person whom you are watching, helping you understand where they're coming from, knowing what to expect from them, and guessing what their motivations are, as well as helping children learn proper social behaviors and recognizing what society frowns upon. Since people like me lack those neurons, none of that applies, and my social interactions are processed through my logic and creative centers. Sarcasm is challenging for me as I interpret the literal meaning first, followed by an ascertation that it must be a sarcastic statement or the sarcasm simply flies right over my head.

 Bracketing back to gleaning motivations, mine tend to be misconstrued by others. Autistic people tend to have very pure intentions of just wanting to interact and be friendly in the only way we know how, which tends to be with the social sophistication of a young child. Aspies want to talk nonstop about their favorite interests, and have no interest whatsoever in small talk. Taking turns in the conversation is not well managed. But juxtaposed with our expansive vocabularies, people decide we are arrogant, and that we don't care about their opinion.

 It took a magic mushroom trip in 2007 to help me see a lot of this, and a long time after that to turn around habits ineffective to my goals. I learned to listen actively. And I thought that learning these lessons would prevent a repeat of my high school days. That the clique targeted me again was a real blow to my ego, and I've been processing a lot lately. But as I process these emotions, my body too seems to be breaking free of those patterns, and it feels good. But there's a painful realization that no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be that quirky Aspie girl that the mean girls will target.