Life's Persuit

As an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I have a number of obsessions, and like all Aspies, would love nothing more than to find a way to combine them all into something meaningful, and pour my soul into it. Because that's what Aspies are designed to do.

Most people, I think, are more interested in the classic American Dream of a happy family and financial stability. Life, Liberty, and the persuit of Happiness and all that.

Then there's the wealthy. The problem is, you can't amass wealth unless you make that your life pursuit. The New York Times
 ran an article quoting a study that demonstrates that wealth shapes a person's stance on politics, taxes, and equality. An anonymous Silicon Valley engineer is quoted, "Before I had much money, I thought there should be 100% estate tax on dynastic wealth... ... Once you're playing the game, it's game on."

 The article goes on to describe the wealthy as viewing the less fortunate as not taking advantage of education, and that wealth is a reflection of hard work and character. The archetypal character in this case being the Miser, and you know they won't admit THAT. But let's be frank: for all the fanfare the mega-wealthy keep giving about their charity work, I don't see any of them giving up their multibillionaire status. They'd be fine with just a couple million in the bank and pump the rest back into the economy.

More than fine.

But it's not about financial stability anymore, about having a happy family who can make ends meet. It's a competition. Because they want to be better than the rest of us. And here they are buying our politicians, because having more money than everyone isn't enough.

The whole thing is ironic to me, especially how our struggling society disapproves of the inequality yet accepts, expects, and honors the striving to climb the ladder. Artistic lifestyles, lived for the joy we find in our creativity though frequently low on cash, are frowned upon by the mainstream. 

It's Van Gogh's birthday, and we remember him not for his money (he had none) but for the gifts he gave mankind by NOT waiting tables or joining the rat race. It gives me comfort that despite the naysayers, a poor life can be a priceless one.

Ritual Network is on Hiatus

I'm sorry to not have explained this sooner, but it is my great regret that Ritual Network is not currently running due to lack of internet availability. Someday I will be back, and my hope is to have even more tools available for solitary Witches. (I have some ideas in mind... Maybe an app?)

Asperger's, Bullies, and Cakes

Lately I've been having a difficult time at work, which is the dining hall of a college where I hold the title of Lead Baker. It is a challenging job anyway, where my duties include making fresh muffins and breakfast pastries every morning starting at 5am, all the desserts for lunch and dinner (usually 2-3 choices per meal, serving anywhere between 30 and 500 depending on the popularity of the item), making pizza dough from scratch daily with a recipe calling for an entire 50 lb bag of mondako flour, and any catering that comes up, like if the staff meeting wants cookies or the college hosts an open house and they need 3,000 lemon bars, it all comes to me. But that's not exactly where I'm having trouble these days.

My trouble lies where it always has as an Aspergian- in social dynamics. Since childhood I have been targeted by bullying cliques, like I have a psychic "kick me" sign hanging over my head. Usually it's subtle: rude things spoken behind my back then laughed about later in plain sight, then sabotaging my belongings.

Confrontations are rare with female bullies, but I've had them. I still have no idea what to do during a confrontation- I always end up in tears. Except the last one, where I punched the girl in the nose. Actually, I still cried, because I felt bad and knew it was inappropriate. I was suspended from school for three days, so everyone knew. No one bothered me after that. It actually bothers me that the only effective tactic I've found is an act of violence- it's against everything I believe in, but none of my peaceful attempts have done a bit of good.

And it's been happening again. No confrontations, thank goodness, just people pretending to be friendly just to gossip behind my back. (Dang, ladies, if you want to know my scandals, just read my blog! The real me is way more interesting than some suppositions based on a very watered down and censored version of my personality.) And I suspect one woman who worked in the dishroom had been hiding my kitchen tools, but she quit immediately when I told the Chef something was up. At least she's out of my hair and the others have been shifted into low gear.

 This has been going on for about a year and a half, but the way girls play it, you don't even know it's happening at first. I was as friendly as possible, and I thought I could do a better job socializing than I did as a student. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome (a diagnosis now absorbed into the Autism Spectrum), I tend to be quirky, and I don't receive the more subtle communication that neurotypicals take for granted. MRIs show that people on the Autism Spectrum tend to lack mirror neurons, which identify with the person whom you are watching, helping you understand where they're coming from, knowing what to expect from them, and guessing what their motivations are, as well as helping children learn proper social behaviors and recognizing what society frowns upon. Since people like me lack those neurons, none of that applies, and my social interactions are processed through my logic and creative centers. Sarcasm is challenging for me as I interpret the literal meaning first, followed by an ascertation that it must be a sarcastic statement or the sarcasm simply flies right over my head.

 Bracketing back to gleaning motivations, mine tend to be misconstrued by others. Autistic people tend to have very pure intentions of just wanting to interact and be friendly in the only way we know how, which tends to be with the social sophistication of a young child. Aspies want to talk nonstop about their favorite interests, and have no interest whatsoever in small talk. Taking turns in the conversation is not well managed. But juxtaposed with our expansive vocabularies, people decide we are arrogant, and that we don't care about their opinion.

 It took a magic mushroom trip in 2007 to help me see a lot of this, and a long time after that to turn around habits ineffective to my goals. I learned to listen actively. And I thought that learning these lessons would prevent a repeat of my high school days. That the clique targeted me again was a real blow to my ego, and I've been processing a lot lately. But as I process these emotions, my body too seems to be breaking free of those patterns, and it feels good. But there's a painful realization that no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be that quirky Aspie girl that the mean girls will target.

The War of Against Christianity?

 (An updated version of this post and all blogs on the subject of religion have been moved to ravensreligiousstudies.blogspot.com )

(Note: when I speak of Christianity in this post, I am specifically referring to the conservative institution in the USA, and certainly not all Christians.) Just yesterday, lawmakers in Idaho proposed making the state officially and formally a Christian state. Thank goodness, most of the other lawmakers have brains enough to recognize the bill's unconstitutionality and immediately moved to shelve the suggestion. But bills like this have been popping up across the country, claiming to be a response to the "war against Christianity" supposedly being waged by humanists and homosexuals and freaks like myself. It doesn't matter how many times we all explain that there is no war against Christianity, that we have no interest in taking their rights away, etc. They're convinced. So I thought about it, and maybe they're right: maybe the war Christianity started centuries ago against paganism and homosexuals and science never really ended, They just say it's our war against Christianity to justify their preemptive strikes. So, if we ARE in a war (see http://www.afa.net/bigotrymap# for their "battle plans"), we need to consider things carefully... Just as the U S is not at war with Islam, (except, apparently, the Christian right... Coincidence?) but religious extremism and terror, we need to make fully clear that we are at war with Christian special privilege. Some thoughts I have in this line are: Christians do not get to define marriage when other religions have different opinions- we DO have a constitution. Christians do not get to claim their religious rights are violated by gay marriage any more than Jews get to claim persecution by bacon. Christmas is not the only winter holiday that matters. If Christian creationism gets taught in schools as fact, so does Hinduism's creation story. If you get proselytize me, I get to bless you by calling the four elements. If you say abortion is an abomination to God, you better be damn well prepared to submit evidence that your God exists but mine doesn't, and it better hold more water than, "Because the Bible says so."

Happy 50 Shades Day!

 (Adult content will now be found at raventaboo.blogspot.com )

(Photo has been removed to comply with Blogger's new censorship policy, which was a waste of time because they didn't implement it.) Happy
ppy 50 Shades Day! Yes, I'm actually excited about this movie. I couldn't get through the book, but I think the movie will be better because the actors will give the characters more life and depth. But that's not what I'm excited for. I'm excited that it will reach an even bigger audience of vanilla people and give my community some visibility. Suddenly it's a note acceptable lifestyle, and perhaps somehow it will make room for polyamory to become more accepted, too. When co workers ask what i did over the weekend, I'm afraid to honestly answer. They all knew about Ru because we've been together a long time... But how do I explain my secondary when most of my coworkers don't even know I'm a Witch? Some of them are pretty conservative, so I've kept my mouth shut- I'm not trying to start drama. But it pains me that I can't be myself at work. For me, BDSM and polyamory essential to my sexual wellbeing. As an LGBT person says, "This is who I am," and "I was born this way," kink is not something I just use to spice up the sex life. I knew I was kinky before I knew I was sexual- I tried to get boys to tie me up or handcuff me WAY before I was even dating. (Cops and Robbers!) It's not just something to spice up my sex life, and it has served much deeper purposes in my life, as a catalyst for some spiritual experiences. But there's a lot of judgement and misinformation out there, and even potential discrimination. In Vegas I felt liberated, but the more conservative areas of the country- that is, virtually everywhere else- sexuality is still something to be hidden and deviance shamed. So I'm excited that it's coming out. We probably won't see it right away, but my boys and I and the girl we've been flirting with are going. To me, supporting this movie equals supporting the BDSM Scene and it's place in our culture.

A Look at Hate

Lately the headlines are dominated by stories revolving around hate: jihad, racism, discrimation based on sexual orientation... It seems to be the topic of the year. But I feel like no one is really looking at this right. I think most everyone agrees that hate is a horrible thing, so how on Earth is it so pervasive? Because when it happens, we turn a blind eye. We don't see it for what it is, because the root of hate has nothing to do with race or religion or sexual orientation. People think that hate should feel like anger or jealousy, a burning desire to harm. In my experience, hate is directed at chosen targets based on an entitlement, or an excuse as to why picking on that person is acceptable, but hate is originally sourced from a desire to be "better" than something else, due to insecurities. Think about the fact that there are lists of people "we love to hate." Hollywood thrives on this. Yes, that's all hate is. Everyone's felt it. Everything else is just a matter of how insecure the hateful person is, how entitled they feel to pick on the other person, how riled up they're feeling at the moment, and what they think they can get away with. It's really no different from bullying, and it's far more widespread, perpetuated by "harmless" jokes among friends, awkward moments that inspire teasing, and the tendency to justify the little stuff that unfairly adds up. We can't solve this issue through pointing fingers at who is hating on who and demanding they stop. There has to be a real transition in our culture toward admitting to ourselves when we aren't treating a person fairly, for whatever reason, and making efforts to treat others the way we want them to treat us.

Thoughts on this reality show I've applied for...

I'm sure a lot of people are wondering about my choice to apply for this reality show, and to be honest, I don't know what the producers' intentions are. I first found the link on the Witches' Voice newsfeed, and every comment was negative, voicing concerns that they would make us look like freaks, or that someone would get on the show who "doesn't know their cauldron from calling the corners."

The ad reads: "Major cable network is on the hunt for the BEST voodoo / witchcraft shop in America!

If you think you've got the skills, the personality and the business for television then contact us immediately. Feel free to submit yourself or someone else.

This is a paid opportunity.

You don't have to work in a shop in order to qualify. You can also practice out of your home or travel. Nationwide casting."

This suggests to me that the producers don't know what to expect, but they think that someone who owns a shop will be more deeply involved in the occult than an average practitioner, and that a shop full of witches will make for better TV than just one. But they're keeping their options open, and I like that.

There is a lot of fear in the Pagan community on a lot of levels. Mainstream culture has not always looked upon us favorably, and they don't want more negative attention (something reality shows are known for). There is a lot of irony in the fact that they want to celebrate being different, but don't want to be perceived that way.

Unfortunately, making a show about how Witches are just like everyone else (as some comments suggested) would not make for good television. People would be bored to death! Get too normal, and the editing crew would be forced to pick out every little disagreement as the most interesting bits, leading to just another Jersey Shores type show. If the WOW! factor can be kept high, there's a lot less room for those kinds of editing choices.

There were a lot of references on WitchVox to a show called Mad Mad House, and I thought I should watch it to find out what they were all griping about. Honestly, the show didn't cast us in nearly such a negative light as I expected (hardly at all, really), which shows again the fear of being perceived too differently. I also found Fiona Horne's blog about filming the show, which was enlightening about what the editors did that was misleading (playing up arguments and relationships, mostly).

So, why do I want to do this? For one, I'm already doing it on a small scale with Ritual Network. One of the comments that popped up a lot in the WitchVox forum is "no real witch would want their rituals on TV." There are a number of reasons I disagree with this comment, and this should be no surprise as I've already been doing just that on Ritual Network. For one thing, Silvia Brallier described being clergy as "doing your work in public," and for another, the public rituals are for the benefit of the audience/ the greater Pagan community as much as for me. 

Honestly I expect to get more flack than accolades if I do get this show, but I'm not out to convince the world to like me or change anyone's opinion, but rather to offer some support and encouragement to those who seek it from me, and to show the world that there is no shame in doing magick, and to normalize its practice to an extent. That people may look upon it with curiosity rather than fear.

Joseph Campbell said that if you follow your bliss, doors will open where you don't expect them and where they wouldn't open for anyone else. In the event this is not that door, I will not give up on my bliss...

Ultimately, it would be cool to create a ritual theater-type experience that could potentially reach a very large audience. That's my great joy in life- creating a magickal experience for others, and I only hope this show will be the vehicle to expand on my work while also supporting my family. May it harm none, so mote it be!

You can help my chances of getting the show by voting for me. You don't have to sign up, and you can vote once a day. Vote here: http://www.realitywanted.com/call/16207-voodoo-witch-shop-is-wanted-for-new-tv-show-casting-now