I've been thinking about this subject today after reading a Huffpost article covering a study of bragging that was just published in Psychological Science.
The study compares the actual reaction of the listener to the reaction the speaker expects the listener to have, and calls the difference the "empathy gap." It then goes on to gauge listener's reactions to direct brags verses "humble" brags, where the brag is inserted "offhandedly" into a relatable statement. The Huffpost article offered examples:
Humble brag from Taylor Swift: "That moment when your cat casually walks up, then abruptly ATTACKS your Oscar de la Renta gown during your fitting for Met Ball."
Direct brag, from Kate Bratskeir: "I just won a gold medal!
The study itself equates the word with self-promotion, and claims the motivation to be "because they want others to hold favorable images of them." The so-called humble brag example does seem to fit that description, as Swift is using the cat to disguise an unabashed reference to her fame, fortune, and connections. Clearly she is concerned enough about public opinion that she won't say it as it is. If it had truly been about the cat, she needn't mention the designer or event.
But consider the second example... she just won a gold medal. She's happy. Who wouldn't be? She wants to celebrate it. Hell yeah! But no matter how she broaches the subject, it's slapped with a big, negative label: Bragging. It's her Twitter account, and the whole point of that networking site is to tweet about what's happening to you. What the fuck does society expect you to do, just pretend it didn't happen?
Funny, it seems to me that it would be more shallow to not celebrate your achievement out of fear that other people will think you're a braggart.
Asperger's could practically be described as a diagnosed empathy gap, and it's very common for Aspies to be called braggarts or narcissistic, but in our case the motivation has less to do with wanting to impress people and is more about absentmindedly blabbing about our favorite things. We do this because rehashing the information in a new way helps the autistic mind to comprehend it more deeply, make connections previously missed, and solve problems. Sorry, we're not really socially sophisticated enough to consider the reaction of the listener AT ALL. This was one of the things that hit me like lightning during that mushroom trip I talk about, and unless other Aspies have that lightning bolt revelation themselves, they cannot be taught.
Given that this empathy gap does exist, and the tendency of children is to speak freely of their accomplishments, I'm skeptical of society's unwritten rule that it's unacceptable to "brag." In a time when we are so influenced by meditation and mindfulness and taking responsibility for one's own emotions, this whole business of judging people negatively for being proud of something seems passive aggressive, not to mention counter to everything I learned from Sesame Street.
Serious question: why can't we be happy for the "braggarts" and celebrate ourselves as well? Why, really, is it so socially unacceptable to speak highly of oneself? I've heard told it makes a person seem narcissistic, but my experience, when a person does say something, they need the validation.
Why are people annoyed by bragging? Is it jealousy? Or maybe a fear of breaking the rule onself, and therefore anger toward those who do? Something I'm missing altogether? And why is it more acceptable to talk behind people's back than to talk about something that went right in your life?
I think I finally understand why NTs like small talk so much...
Cue the Dresden Doll's song "Good Day"
