Aspies and their Frenemies

I overheard one of the student workers talking about a "kid who everyone hates," and it kind of set me off today. Thank Goddess it was at the end of my shift. When I asked why everyone hates this kid, she gave me a list of Asperger's symptoms: dominates conversations, comes across as narcissistic, appears to have no empathy, rude...

So I told her it really sucks to be the kid everyone hates, because I've been there, and this person sounds just like me when I was a kid. She told me, as if to soften the blow, "Well, I always try to be nice when I'm around her."





"And I bet she thinks you're her friend?"

"Yeah, she does."

"That's even worse, when you find out all the people you think are your friends really hate you. Don't do that to her. Because I'm sure she doesn't really want to be all those things you said about her."

This is the movie-script summary of that account; obviously there was a lot more Aspie quirk involved on my part, being a particularly emotional subject.

 The symptoms I mentioned above are, perhaps, the most irritating traits we have to Neurotypicals. And especially in those of us who are higher functioning, they don't seem like symptoms, but highly undesireable personality flaws.

Growing up, various well-meaning but ignorant family members attempted to give me advice on how to make friends, but their messages couldn't get through  because it's like we speak a different language. Narcissistic/ arrogant? But how can I possibly be narcissistic when I have such a low self-esteem? Aspies are 10 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than NTs. Unemphatic? Oh my God, didn't I just tell you that story about that tragedy that gives me the insight into your pain? Dominating conversations/ interrupting/ talking about stuff no one else cares about/ too loud/ rude? I'm interacting the only way I know how. I now know that I lack the mirror neurons to pick up on those social graces, and naturally tend to interact with the conversational skills of a young child- they don't understand about taking turns, when they get excited they want to tell you all about it, and manners are likely to be forgotten.

 It's actually a bit ironic how NTs are so annoyed by our conversational habbits. When you get a group of Aspies on the same wavelength, we speak naturally, bluntly, interruptingly, and go off on wild tangents, returning to topic, then going off again and again. But the depth, complexity, detail and passion involved is unparalleled in NT chatting. We have no idea why you people engage in small talk... it serves NO purpose!

 The insight I have on this topic is unusual- one of the hallmarks of Asperger's is our obliviousness to both social cues and our own lack of adherence to them. I have to give credit to psychedelic mushrooms. That experience changed my life. I saw it all for the first time- how everything I did was misinterpreted. It wasn't a problem with my personality, rather I realized the tactics I was using were not only ineffective, but counterproductive in the goal of making friends.


 I also learned how to listen. And it was a shock to discover that I didn't know how before. But listening requires effort and patience and curiosity, which had never occurred to me.

 Psilocybin mushrooms are, of course, illegal, but there has been a push recently to study their effects, particularly on depression. I'd love to see a study done on Aspies. There is simply no medication to help our condition, and without an expansion of consciousness we are doomed to repeat our mistakes forevermore.

Six months after my "trip," someone in my Vegas community said to me, "I don't know what happened, but you've become much more pleasant to be around." Kind of a jab within a compliment, but still the best news I'd ever heard.

I hope I made a difference for this person the student worker was talking about. It's horrible to be in that position, especially when you don't know why.

 Even with the knowledge I have, interaction is still difficult. In fact, it's downright exhausting constantly trying to censor myself at work. I still don't really have friends, but at least I'm not quite so hated.