Thoughts on Kim Davis and her fight against gay marriage

In following the Kim Davis case, in which a county clerk has been denying marriage licenses to gay couples because of her religious beliefs, I've wondered a lot how many people would take her seriously if she were not Christian but of a minority religion. If this were the case of a Muslim denying women the right to go to school based on beliefs in Sharia Law, there would be outrage. In my mind, all the recent pushes for "religious freedom" are really attempts to put Christianity above the law, because none of these activists would support religious exemptions for minority religions. Otherwise, where's my right to consume psilocybin mushrooms and peyote in Shamanic journeys, as have been used for millennia? We can thank Judge Scalia for the 1990 decision that allowing religious exemptions would cause legal chaos, with people claiming sincere beliefs to get out of every crime imaginable. How long until I have to fear for my life because someone believes "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live" is still valid?

On Bragging, its Social Acceptability, and Asperger's

 I've been thinking about this subject today after reading a Huffpost article covering a study of bragging that was just published in Psychological Science.

 The study compares the actual reaction of the listener to the reaction the speaker expects the listener to have, and calls the difference the  "empathy gap." It then goes on to gauge listener's reactions to direct brags verses "humble" brags, where the brag is inserted "offhandedly" into a relatable statement. The Huffpost article offered examples:

Humble brag from Taylor Swift: "That moment when your cat casually walks up, then abruptly ATTACKS your Oscar de la Renta gown during your fitting for Met Ball."

Direct brag, from Kate Bratskeir: "I just won a gold medal!

 The study itself equates the word with self-promotion, and claims the motivation to be "because they want others to hold favorable images of them." The so-called humble brag example does seem to fit that description, as Swift is using the cat to disguise an unabashed reference to her fame, fortune, and connections. Clearly she is concerned enough about public opinion that she won't say it as it is. If it had truly been about the cat, she needn't mention the designer or event.


But consider the second example... she just won a gold medal. She's happy. Who wouldn't be? She wants to celebrate it. Hell yeah! But no matter how she broaches the subject, it's slapped with a big, negative label: Bragging. It's her Twitter account, and the whole point of that networking site is to tweet about what's happening to you. What the fuck does society expect you to do, just pretend it didn't happen?

Funny, it seems to me that it would be more shallow to not celebrate your achievement out of fear that other people will think you're a braggart.

Asperger's could practically be described as a diagnosed empathy gap, and it's very common for Aspies to be called braggarts or narcissistic, but in our case the motivation has less to do with wanting to impress people and is more about absentmindedly blabbing about our favorite things. We do this because rehashing the information in a new way helps the autistic mind to comprehend it more deeply, make connections previously missed, and solve problems. Sorry, we're not really socially sophisticated enough to consider the reaction of the listener AT ALL. This was one of the things that hit me like lightning during that mushroom trip I talk about, and unless other Aspies have that lightning bolt revelation themselves, they cannot be taught.

Given that this empathy gap does exist, and the tendency of children is to speak freely of their accomplishments, I'm skeptical of society's unwritten rule that it's unacceptable to "brag." In a time when we are so influenced by meditation and mindfulness and taking responsibility for one's own emotions, this whole business of judging people negatively for being proud of something seems passive aggressive, not to mention counter to everything I learned from Sesame Street.

Serious question: why can't we be happy for the "braggarts" and celebrate ourselves as well? Why, really, is it so socially unacceptable to speak highly of oneself? I've heard told it makes a person seem narcissistic, but my experience, when a person does say something, they need the validation.

Why are people annoyed by bragging? Is it jealousy? Or maybe a fear of breaking the rule onself, and therefore anger toward those who do? Something I'm missing altogether? And why is it more acceptable to talk behind people's back than to talk about something that went right in your life?

I think I finally understand why NTs like small talk so much...

Cue the Dresden Doll's song "Good Day"

On a Different Frequency... Literally?

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7087828

 The above article is about a study that correlates the stimulation of alpha waves to increased creativity, and the scientists are hoping to test further on the effect of stimulating alpha waves on clinical depression. Pretty straightforward, but a couple lines in the article got me thinking.

 Alpha frequency brainwaves oscillate at 8-12 htz, and as the article states, if you are at rest, you are probably in alpha.

The article references previous research that suggests that highly creative people display a lot of alpha waves. This seems plausible, and I wondered... Most of the highly creative people I know either have Asperger's or similar tendencies. It's not uncommon for an Aspie to say they need space or quiet more than most, and we even have an unusual ability to maintain at-rest states WAY longer than NTs. I've been known to read for days on end, and when my friend Starwind gets into a writing streak, you have to hope he notices the sandwich you leave him.

I knew that the brains of Autism spectrum people are different from Neurotypicals (hence the distinction), specifically over-connected in short range and under-connected between regions and hemispheres. But I'd never seen anything related to brainwa

 What I found was the last thing I expected.

A study titled "Resting State EEG Abnormalities in Autism Spectrum Disorders," published in the Journal of Neurodevelopmental Disorders in 2013, describes a common trend in EEG scans of ASD patients regardless of intellectual ability that sharply  deviates from a neurotypical brainwave pattern.

In a Neurotypical at rest, alpha waves are indeed dominant, with beta waves (seen during activity) and theta waves (light sleep or deep meditation) having a little influence, but virtually no delta (dreaming) or gamma waves (hyper-awareness).

An autism spectrum person, however, shows alpha waves with greater power than seen in NTs, yet in the full spectrum alpha waves are the least powerful waves we experience. Theta and beta waves are stronger, while BOTH gamma and delta waves are peaking. It's a complete inversion, the graphs of the two showing a hill and a U shape. But the coherence of all the frequencies is reduced, which is expected with the under-connection between regions.

So this brings up a lot of questions... Like, are the hyper-creative people from the previous research on the spectrum? Do we even know?

I originally thought this was an issue of Aspies spending more time in states other than beta, the primary zone for NTs. That would explain why I'm "just not on the same wavelength" as anyone else, but the actual results are far more bizarre and telling than I expected.

Aspies and their Frenemies

I overheard one of the student workers talking about a "kid who everyone hates," and it kind of set me off today. Thank Goddess it was at the end of my shift. When I asked why everyone hates this kid, she gave me a list of Asperger's symptoms: dominates conversations, comes across as narcissistic, appears to have no empathy, rude...

So I told her it really sucks to be the kid everyone hates, because I've been there, and this person sounds just like me when I was a kid. She told me, as if to soften the blow, "Well, I always try to be nice when I'm around her."





"And I bet she thinks you're her friend?"

"Yeah, she does."

"That's even worse, when you find out all the people you think are your friends really hate you. Don't do that to her. Because I'm sure she doesn't really want to be all those things you said about her."

This is the movie-script summary of that account; obviously there was a lot more Aspie quirk involved on my part, being a particularly emotional subject.

 The symptoms I mentioned above are, perhaps, the most irritating traits we have to Neurotypicals. And especially in those of us who are higher functioning, they don't seem like symptoms, but highly undesireable personality flaws.

Growing up, various well-meaning but ignorant family members attempted to give me advice on how to make friends, but their messages couldn't get through  because it's like we speak a different language. Narcissistic/ arrogant? But how can I possibly be narcissistic when I have such a low self-esteem? Aspies are 10 times more likely to have suicidal thoughts than NTs. Unemphatic? Oh my God, didn't I just tell you that story about that tragedy that gives me the insight into your pain? Dominating conversations/ interrupting/ talking about stuff no one else cares about/ too loud/ rude? I'm interacting the only way I know how. I now know that I lack the mirror neurons to pick up on those social graces, and naturally tend to interact with the conversational skills of a young child- they don't understand about taking turns, when they get excited they want to tell you all about it, and manners are likely to be forgotten.

 It's actually a bit ironic how NTs are so annoyed by our conversational habbits. When you get a group of Aspies on the same wavelength, we speak naturally, bluntly, interruptingly, and go off on wild tangents, returning to topic, then going off again and again. But the depth, complexity, detail and passion involved is unparalleled in NT chatting. We have no idea why you people engage in small talk... it serves NO purpose!

 The insight I have on this topic is unusual- one of the hallmarks of Asperger's is our obliviousness to both social cues and our own lack of adherence to them. I have to give credit to psychedelic mushrooms. That experience changed my life. I saw it all for the first time- how everything I did was misinterpreted. It wasn't a problem with my personality, rather I realized the tactics I was using were not only ineffective, but counterproductive in the goal of making friends.


 I also learned how to listen. And it was a shock to discover that I didn't know how before. But listening requires effort and patience and curiosity, which had never occurred to me.

 Psilocybin mushrooms are, of course, illegal, but there has been a push recently to study their effects, particularly on depression. I'd love to see a study done on Aspies. There is simply no medication to help our condition, and without an expansion of consciousness we are doomed to repeat our mistakes forevermore.

Six months after my "trip," someone in my Vegas community said to me, "I don't know what happened, but you've become much more pleasant to be around." Kind of a jab within a compliment, but still the best news I'd ever heard.

I hope I made a difference for this person the student worker was talking about. It's horrible to be in that position, especially when you don't know why.

 Even with the knowledge I have, interaction is still difficult. In fact, it's downright exhausting constantly trying to censor myself at work. I still don't really have friends, but at least I'm not quite so hated.

Life's Persuit

As an individual with Asperger's Syndrome, I have a number of obsessions, and like all Aspies, would love nothing more than to find a way to combine them all into something meaningful, and pour my soul into it. Because that's what Aspies are designed to do.

Most people, I think, are more interested in the classic American Dream of a happy family and financial stability. Life, Liberty, and the persuit of Happiness and all that.

Then there's the wealthy. The problem is, you can't amass wealth unless you make that your life pursuit. The New York Times
 ran an article quoting a study that demonstrates that wealth shapes a person's stance on politics, taxes, and equality. An anonymous Silicon Valley engineer is quoted, "Before I had much money, I thought there should be 100% estate tax on dynastic wealth... ... Once you're playing the game, it's game on."

 The article goes on to describe the wealthy as viewing the less fortunate as not taking advantage of education, and that wealth is a reflection of hard work and character. The archetypal character in this case being the Miser, and you know they won't admit THAT. But let's be frank: for all the fanfare the mega-wealthy keep giving about their charity work, I don't see any of them giving up their multibillionaire status. They'd be fine with just a couple million in the bank and pump the rest back into the economy.

More than fine.

But it's not about financial stability anymore, about having a happy family who can make ends meet. It's a competition. Because they want to be better than the rest of us. And here they are buying our politicians, because having more money than everyone isn't enough.

The whole thing is ironic to me, especially how our struggling society disapproves of the inequality yet accepts, expects, and honors the striving to climb the ladder. Artistic lifestyles, lived for the joy we find in our creativity though frequently low on cash, are frowned upon by the mainstream. 

It's Van Gogh's birthday, and we remember him not for his money (he had none) but for the gifts he gave mankind by NOT waiting tables or joining the rat race. It gives me comfort that despite the naysayers, a poor life can be a priceless one.

Ritual Network is on Hiatus

I'm sorry to not have explained this sooner, but it is my great regret that Ritual Network is not currently running due to lack of internet availability. Someday I will be back, and my hope is to have even more tools available for solitary Witches. (I have some ideas in mind... Maybe an app?)

Asperger's, Bullies, and Cakes

Lately I've been having a difficult time at work, which is the dining hall of a college where I hold the title of Lead Baker. It is a challenging job anyway, where my duties include making fresh muffins and breakfast pastries every morning starting at 5am, all the desserts for lunch and dinner (usually 2-3 choices per meal, serving anywhere between 30 and 500 depending on the popularity of the item), making pizza dough from scratch daily with a recipe calling for an entire 50 lb bag of mondako flour, and any catering that comes up, like if the staff meeting wants cookies or the college hosts an open house and they need 3,000 lemon bars, it all comes to me. But that's not exactly where I'm having trouble these days.

My trouble lies where it always has as an Aspergian- in social dynamics. Since childhood I have been targeted by bullying cliques, like I have a psychic "kick me" sign hanging over my head. Usually it's subtle: rude things spoken behind my back then laughed about later in plain sight, then sabotaging my belongings.

Confrontations are rare with female bullies, but I've had them. I still have no idea what to do during a confrontation- I always end up in tears. Except the last one, where I punched the girl in the nose. Actually, I still cried, because I felt bad and knew it was inappropriate. I was suspended from school for three days, so everyone knew. No one bothered me after that. It actually bothers me that the only effective tactic I've found is an act of violence- it's against everything I believe in, but none of my peaceful attempts have done a bit of good.

And it's been happening again. No confrontations, thank goodness, just people pretending to be friendly just to gossip behind my back. (Dang, ladies, if you want to know my scandals, just read my blog! The real me is way more interesting than some suppositions based on a very watered down and censored version of my personality.) And I suspect one woman who worked in the dishroom had been hiding my kitchen tools, but she quit immediately when I told the Chef something was up. At least she's out of my hair and the others have been shifted into low gear.

 This has been going on for about a year and a half, but the way girls play it, you don't even know it's happening at first. I was as friendly as possible, and I thought I could do a better job socializing than I did as a student. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome (a diagnosis now absorbed into the Autism Spectrum), I tend to be quirky, and I don't receive the more subtle communication that neurotypicals take for granted. MRIs show that people on the Autism Spectrum tend to lack mirror neurons, which identify with the person whom you are watching, helping you understand where they're coming from, knowing what to expect from them, and guessing what their motivations are, as well as helping children learn proper social behaviors and recognizing what society frowns upon. Since people like me lack those neurons, none of that applies, and my social interactions are processed through my logic and creative centers. Sarcasm is challenging for me as I interpret the literal meaning first, followed by an ascertation that it must be a sarcastic statement or the sarcasm simply flies right over my head.

 Bracketing back to gleaning motivations, mine tend to be misconstrued by others. Autistic people tend to have very pure intentions of just wanting to interact and be friendly in the only way we know how, which tends to be with the social sophistication of a young child. Aspies want to talk nonstop about their favorite interests, and have no interest whatsoever in small talk. Taking turns in the conversation is not well managed. But juxtaposed with our expansive vocabularies, people decide we are arrogant, and that we don't care about their opinion.

 It took a magic mushroom trip in 2007 to help me see a lot of this, and a long time after that to turn around habits ineffective to my goals. I learned to listen actively. And I thought that learning these lessons would prevent a repeat of my high school days. That the clique targeted me again was a real blow to my ego, and I've been processing a lot lately. But as I process these emotions, my body too seems to be breaking free of those patterns, and it feels good. But there's a painful realization that no matter how hard I try, I'm always going to be that quirky Aspie girl that the mean girls will target.